New Year's Resolutions
by Eike and Mai
Summary: [sillyfic] It's new year at Schwarz's apartment! And Schu is being weird. As always. Much yaoi. sex and violence.


Notes: It's New Year's Eve! Erm, Day. So this is a little gift for everyone. Sillyfic, lots of sex and violence. Brad/Schu, Ken/Farfie, Omi/Nagi, Aya/Schu, and wild orgies. Technically Schu/everyone. Wait, technically, everyone/everyone. 'Cept for Brad.  
  
e-mail us at yhibiki@hotmail.com and komagata_mai@hotmail.com  
  
1 New Year's Resolutions  
  
by Eike and Mai  
  
  
  
It was New Year's Eve. Brad hated this time of year. Every single time Schuldig managed to find some way to disturb his peace of mind. This year was no exception. He had just finished his last job, and was ready to take a nice, long, relaxing bubble bath. With a cup of tea. Why was he not surprised that upon approaching his apartment he heard loud, sultry music, and far too much chatter? He resigned himself to fate and opened the door.  
  
"Hey, BRAAAAADLEY!!!!!" Schuldig called to him in sing-song voice. Or Brad presumed it was supposed to be a sing-song voice, but Schu was far too drunk to pull it off correctly. "Happy New Year's! Thanks for letting me use the apartment!"  
  
Brad's eyebrow twitched, "When did I 'let' you use the apartment?"  
  
Schuldig staggered over to him, a drunken smile on his face. "Well, it's like this. You can the future, right? So, since you, like, didn't tell me NOT to do this, I figured that you were, like, okay with this. You aaaaaaaaare, okay with this, right?" The redhead winked at him suggestively.  
  
Brad was, in fact, not okay with this. He hated parties. Especially in his own home, where it would wreck all his beautiful, expensive designer furniture. So he was, in fact, just a TAD mad at Schuldig. But he refused to give a reaction, that would only encourage the German. He knew Schuldig was far too drunk to understand coherently anyway. So he decided ignoring him would be best for now. He made his way to his room, surprised at the large number of people Schuldig had managed to invite. Had he fucked every one of them? Most likely - Schuldig never had real friends, only fuck buddies.  
  
"Takatoriiiiiii! Shiiiiiiiiiii-neeeeeeee!" Brad gave a startled gasp. Weiss? Here?  
  
"Duuuuuuuude, yeah! Weiss is awesome! You can fuck them and they don't even care! Or notice, for that matter. Ken's been raped at least ten times in his life by now, and I was only three of those! Plus, Farfie loves Ken in a 'let's-hurt-God' type of way, so I thought, why not?" Schuldig had collapsed onto the floor, laughing hysterically.  
  
Brad shook his head. He didn't even want to know.  
  
Schuldig's eyes lit up. "Ok, I'll tell you!! See, Aya, he's a nice fuck. He's like you, but he has a sister fetish. I hate wearing blue wigs. And you know, Omi, now he's secretly a slut. Worse than Youji. Omi really likes it hard and fast. And I don't just mean girls. I mean, of course. 'Cus, if it were just girls, that'd be a problem. So anyways, then I found out that Nagi had a crush on Omi. So I invited him. 'Cus Nagi likes him. Yeah. And Nagi REALLY likes him. In that 'I-get-wet-dreams-about-you' type of way. And the 'I-have-cyber-sex-with-you-everyday' type of way."  
  
Brad wished Schuldig would shut up.  
  
"You're so mean! Oh, and Youji, he's Youji. You know, like I'm almost Youji, 'cept I don't pretend to be straight. He thought he was really straight. And then I came along and taught him better. Now he's straighter than a pencil. No, I mean... he's not. He's more like... um.... he has an inner gay light! It glows nice and purple, like that shirt he wears."  
  
Where did Schuldig come up with this stuff? Brad stepped around the bodies, carefully avoiding the mass orgy going on. And was that Nagi he saw in the corner, making out with some older boy? Oh, the Weiss kid. He also noted several areas that somebody had thrown up on. He would get Schuldig to clean that up.  
  
"NO! I REFUSE!" Schuldig burst into tears like a little girl. Aya looked at him suggestively. "Make Farfie do it! Just tell him it hurts God!"  
  
Farfarello came bounding into the room now. "CRAWLIEEEEEEE! Kenken broke my kniiiiiiiiiiife!"  
  
Brad dismissed the madman - he wanted nothing to do with Farfie's sick sexual practices.  
  
"BRaaaaaaaaaaad! Be nice! Farfie needs a new knife so he can keep molesting the Weiss family idiot!" Schuldig was yelling now. Of course, he had to yell to be heard over the orgy.  
  
Which made Brad wonder, "Schuldig, why aren't you in the orgy?"  
  
Schuldig looked at him confused now. "There's an orgy going on? WHERE?"  
  
Brad had hoped the German had finally decided to leave him alone, just for a little while, but alas, no. "Schuldig, how can you miss it? It's right in the middle of the room! They're loud enough to wake the neighbors! How much have you had to drink?"  
  
Schuldig looked at his hand, then started counting off his fingers. Finally he said, "Three."  
  
"Three glasses?"  
  
"Three bottles! Of your Don Perignon Champagne stash!!" Brad was ready to kill him.  
  
"SCHULDIG! THOSE THINGS ARE EXPENSIVE! YOU CAN'T WASTE THEM ON AN ORGY!!!"  
  
Schuldig giggled like a schoolgirl. Aya winked at him and blew him a kiss. "It's New Year's Eve! Everybody has to get drunk! ... Ne, ne, ne, ne.... Brad, you aren't drunk. Why? Takatori had a huuuuuuuge party. Wait. Takatori's dead, right? Good riddance. Damn bastard. Of course, I was going to invite him. And kill him with a golf club. But BRAAAAAAAD. You need to get DRUUUUUUUNK!"  
  
Brad gave up. Schuldig was beyond help. He decided he WOULD go to his room now. He'd lock the door. And take a bubble bath.  
  
"But your room is occupied! Youji's in there with those girls from... um... their flower shop, I think. The really young ones. You know, he pretends not to like the young girls. But he's very turned on by them. And young boys. Like Omi. But everybody likes Omi! And Omi likes everyone! .... Waaaaaaaaait. Did you say bubble bath?" Schuldig now got up and started clinging to Brad. "I WANT ONE TOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed like a frightened virgin. Aya leered at him like a perverted old man. The ones that are ever- present in all anime.  
  
No matter how hard he tried, Brad couldn't get Schuldig to let go of him. He considered going for a crowbar, but saw it in use amongst the people on the floor. He really didn't want to touch it anymore. He decided he'd have to get to the bathroom with Schuldig in tow - that also meant he'd never reach his own, he'd have to settle for the hall bathroom.  
  
Schuldig screamed in joy. "YAAAAAAAAY! You're taking me with you!!!!!! I'm gonna take a bath with Braddy, I'm gonna take a bath with Braddy! Braddy Braddy Braddy!"  
  
Maybe he should just kill the damned telepath. He managed to make it to the bathroom, although his arm was starting to cramp up from dragging Schuldig halfway across the apartment (and around the orgy).  
  
Brad noted with worry that there was blood seeping from under the door. He opened the door with dread -- upon entering he found a most disturbing (although expected) sight. Farfarello was currently occupying the tub, doing to Ken what closely resembled a blood-letting. All the kitchen knives were strewn about the bathroom, every single one of them covered in blood, while Farfarello proceeded to screw Ken's brains out (figuratively). Brad wished he knew if the Weiss assassin would live. Hopefully not.  
  
Schuldig had let go of him and was walking over towards the tub. "FARFIE! Brad wants to take a bubble bath! And he can't do it with you and Ken and Ken's blood in there!" Brad was ready to throw up. Note to self -- Farfie, knives, and sex don't mix.  
  
Suddenly, Schuldig gave a piercing wail. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAI~~~~ It's almost midnight! BRAAAAAAD! We have to get to the TV! We can see the ball dropping in Times Square! And hear the church bells ringing! And hear the fireworks go off! And see the reindeer flying overhead! And find the pot of gold! Uhm...." Brad bopped him on the back of the head. "Okay, riiiiiiight. Those things don't happen on New Year's. But hey, we still have to kiss somebody at midnight for good luck! Let's go into the living room!" And Schuldig, with sudden strength he didn't have just moments before, dragged Brad into the living room. People had miraculously stopped the orgy to count down to midnight. Somebody had smashed a bottle of tequila over the TV, short-circuiting it.  
  
"Ten... seven... nine.... sixteen... twenty-four... uh..." Brad looked at Schuldig oddly. He was REALLY drunk.  
  
All around them the crowd erupted into a mass cheer of "Happy New Year!" Schuldig turned around and quickly forced Brad into a long, passionate kiss.  
  
As a sign of joy, people started throwing miscellaneous objects into the air. Almost in slow motion, a blue, braided wig landed on Schuldig's head. It was as if time stood still. Aya suddenly turned around, and in his drunken stupor mistook Schu for Aya-chan.  
  
"TAKATORIIIIIII! SHIIIIIIIIIIII-NEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Aya drew his katana from his ass and proceeded to rush towards Brad. Nagi and Omi also made their way over to them, weapons at ready. Aya's sudden shout had caused them to stop their love-making. (Nagi now sported several hickeys.) Brad felt Youji's wire closing in on him, and quickly pushed Schuldig off him to dodge it.  
  
Schuldig looked mad now, yet somehow silly with the blue wig on his head. "HOW COULD YOU RUIN MY MOMENT WITH BRAD!?!?!" Tears were streaming down his face.  
  
Nagi and Omi shrugged. This didn't concern them. They made their way to Nagi's bedroom and locked the door behind them.  
  
Brad had lost his patience. He took out his gun and shot Aya, while Schuldig fried Youji's brain. Ken had died of blood-loss about a few minutes ago.  
  
Everybody screamed and ran out. Guns terrified them. Of course, most people were terrified of guns. As well they should be.  
  
Brad let out a gasp as Schuldig glomped him. Brad sighed. He resigned himself to fate and walked over to his bedroom. He wrinkled his nose as the stench reached him. He couldn't sleep there tonight. They went to Schuldig's room, which, miraculously, was clean, since Schu had locked it in a moment of sanity.  
  
"I saved it for youuuuu! My New Year's resolution was to fuck you tonight, and I intend on doing it!" So they proceeded to fuck like rabid bunnies.  
  
* * *  
  
As the sun rose, glaring at them from Schuldig's bedroom window, Schuldig cursed. He felt like his head was going to explode. How much had he drunk last night?  
  
There was a slight movement next to him, and Schuldig turned to look at whoever it was that was with him tonight. And gasped in astonishment.  
  
"B-brad? What are you doing here?"  
  
Brad ignored him and got up. Schuldig wished he could remember how Brad had ended up in his bed, naked. They couldn't have... Brad was much to stuck up for that.  
  
"By the way," Brad said, smiling sweetly at him as he left the room, "you need to clean up the apartment. By yourself. Good luck!" Schuldig had to do a double take when Brad blew him a kiss.  
  
Several moments later Schuldig was dressed. He proceeded to the living room... he moaned in pain and suffering at the sight of the disaster.  
  
o-wa-ri.  
  
Moral 1: Unless you have someone to clean up after you, don't throw wild parties at your house.  
  
Moral 2: Farfie, knives, and sex don't mix. 


End file.
